selfness
Eventually, the journey becomes one of leaving behind the shell… developing confidence… to live in the moment, escaping my own neediness. Yet I find I’m not quite yet ready to stop clinging to the layers and levels of “i”, and slip out of my safe harbor… or to allow others into the process I’m undergoing, even those I am closest to… but it’s not a matter of trust. I feel as if I am aspiring to the letting go and towards transcendence of materialism and all views of self-ness. Where this leads is unknown… it’s like giving up your point of reference.
At times, when I am alone, I become truly in touch with the depth of love I have… but I seldom show those intense feelings… imagined fears of ridicule or rejection… or worse, apathy. And yet, here I have all these poems… it’s kind of a paradox that words, even those poetic words, are so limiting and somehow never fully convey that depth.
I try to imagine that I’m just like everybody else… even while wearing layers of masks, pretending to be normal, whatever that is… but the pretense doesn’t ever fool me, and I never really feel as if I fit in with this world. I think I am a mystery to people, and I allow them to make their assumptions… they seldom really understand me, (some are more insightful than others)… and part of me enjoys that… more often, though, I just long to be understood and accepted as I am, cared for, perhaps (although I know there are people that care for me, currently, at least)… even while I never feel that I quite measure up to my own high standards for myself, standards which I don’t hold anyone else to, btw. Quite the Catch 22.
September 15th, 2006 at 3:51 am
They
Who is this ‘I’ of whom everybody speaks?
They do seem very self pre-occupied.
How they feel and what they do,
it means something to them, obviously.
But what is ‘I’ to me and you?
September 15th, 2006 at 7:39 am
Thank you.
September 23rd, 2006 at 3:32 am
I don’t think I’ve heard it put better than this, Aine
Breaking down attachment to the self, disolving the pretended distinction between the I and other, is done in gradual stages but most effectively by the actions done out of compassion and love - I think!
I get sidetracked by holding others to high standards I have trouble reaching myself (while pretending that I don’t do this, pretending that I don’t have expectations of others’ behaviour or judge the actions of others). At least that’s what’s just occurred to me as I read your lovely piece. Perhaps if I didn’t judge myself so harshly I could let go of what others do - in reality rather than in my “pretend to myself” headspace hehe.
Thanks
September 23rd, 2006 at 3:54 am
Oh, goodness, Martin’s been reading my poems and other assorted meanderings… now the Dirty Little Secrets are out. hehehe
September 24th, 2006 at 3:37 am
How can you have secrets when there’s google?
You have a good system to preserve your secrets however - far too much stuff to read in a hurry
I’ve been getting back to it slowly, piece by piece, when I have a little time. Very rewarding so far!
September 24th, 2006 at 4:28 am
I had someone msg me one time saying “You’re FAMOUS!” after googling my name… I’m NOT famous, really, but I’ve been online for quite a while now and been involved in several fairly good-sized projects and beta tested a few others and written quite a lot of text, so there’s sort of an accumulation of Stuff out there… most of which I no longer have anything to do with. *grin*
October 5th, 2006 at 11:01 am
“More poetry, more poetry, more poetry!!!”
The natives are getting restless! LOL!!