Dirty Little Secrets

I’ve been watching my stats the last few days while blogging up a storm. I dunno what’s gotten into me, but I just feel this overwhelming need to write lately. Most of it’s been in my main blog, not over here, but that’s ok, at least I’m writing. Stats are showing LOTS of visitor traffic lately too, and although the counters onsite are only slightly elevated, I also have two other sources for stats, and I’ve also noticed a sharp increase in readership via the RSS and Atom feeds (which doesn’t show up in page counters). Obviously people are finding something to read over there, and maybe it’s my manic writing attracting them, I dunno. *grins* Could also be that since I redesigned the front page of the domain, people are actually finding their way to my other pages. The navigation is certainly improved from what it was. It improved so much, in fact, that I finally got accepted into the Google AdSense program, after being rejected back in December. I have no idea whether AdSense will be at all worthwhile, but I figured I would give it a try. Currently making a few cents here and there from Amazon, but not nearly enough to justify spending the time to create a full-blown bookshop like I used to have. I also don’t have that much time to read actual printed books, and my home library still isn’t set up for easy access (shelves and whatnot), though that may be changing this summer. I’ve also got a new-used computer desk with hutch coming my way (we have to go pick it up), as someone left one behind at our other house and I’m claiming it. My sister is also going to give me her computer chair, since she got a new one (yay!), so I’m going to be all set as far as computer furniture goes. Now all I need to do is sell my Charger and I’ll be able to build a new desktop computer. Took a look through Amazon’s offerings on laptops and added a couple of those to my wishlist (although I would be extremely surprised if anyone had the cash to buy that for me, and I don’t expect it). It would come in real handy for my photography, though. Oops, forgot to check if those laptops have USB ports or not… well, one is new so that should have it, but the other one is refurbished and I didn’t look to see if it had one or not. Ah well.

Also, in my craziness, I checked out their Home and Garden section and found a bunch of bulbs, plants, and trees I wouldn’t mind having (those are on the wishlist too). This house has no flowerbeds to speak of, and the vegetable garden… well, it’s like starting from scratch with nothing but sand and grass. That’ll change, but it’s going to take (literally) years and a ton of humus to build up the garden soil to my satisfaction. And yes, I am a somewhat picky gardener, but I do know what good soils can do for a garden. I did buy some vegetable and herb plants from the fake greenhouse at the grocery store the other day… cost me a fortune, but I don’t care, I’m tired of doing without a garden. If it’s nice tomorrow, I might start building a planter outside the picture window. Hopefully, it’ll be warmer than it was today. Lately all we’ve had is rain and chilly wind here. Not nice to try and work outside in that.

Been listening to airamericaradio off and on. Sometimes it’s interesting, especially when there are special guests, but I’m getting a little tired of Al Franken’s so-called humour… it’s just not that funny (to me). If you haven’t listened to it at like 3am, then you haven’t heard the wacky ads they run in the early morning hours… things like… hydroponic ganja and some sort of medicine for senior citizens based on heroin… now THAT’s funny. I did hear an ad the other night for NORML on there, too, which was a pleasant surprise. I hope the station doesn’t go bankrupt, I’d like to see it continue to grow and gain in popularity. It’s such a refreshing change from the right-wing crap (b-o-r-i-n-g) on the rest of the airwaves, although I listen via the internet. One thing that bothers me… I don’t understand how women or blacks or any thinking person can still continue to support the right-wing after everything that’s already come out in the media, even on mainstream television and radio. I mean, really, there is no credibility on that side of the aisle, it’s been one lie after another. Is everything just a sound bite to these people? We’ve got the equivalent of a dictator running this country and these people just don’t see it, or what? Are people really that stupid? If so, I’m kind of glad I live out here in the middle of the sticks… I don’t have to be surrounded by idiots, at least. Nothing much here to serve as a target for violence either, which is a good thing. I quit watching television a couple of years ago (ok, once in a while I listen in when it’s on in the other room, but I’m not sitting there night after night like a drone suckling off the glass teat like much of America). Maybe that’s why I can still think straight… *grins*

I remember a couple of years ago, cheering when I read that MIT would be opening up their courseware to the public for free. This morning, I hit the StumbleUpon button and MIT’s OpenCourseWare | Writing and Humanistic Studies | Theory and Practice of Non-linear and Interactive Narrative, Spring 2003 “Readings” appeared, which, as it turns out, is a list of resources for hypertext and other kinds of fiction. I think what I find refreshing here are the descriptions for each link… they aren’t stuffy academic offerings. It’s been so long since I was a part of the academic world, that I find it rather refreshing to vicariously “return to college.” In particular, take a look at Hamlet on the Holodeck by Janet Murray.

I think I should also say that I absolutely loved my college English Composition classes, and if I had the financial support to do so, I would take many more of those courses. Would probably have to do so via a distance learning project of some kind, since the nearest university is 55 miles away. On the other hand, I have the Web at home, and sites like this and Gutenberg and all of the other text repositories online give people like me plenty of resources. Still, I miss the interaction of other writers, students, and faculty.

a thousand words in every picture
tell the stories of the horrors of war
shock us with the truth
awe us with the inhumanity
the money gone, the damage done
and the gods know
camelot seems so far away

a thousand words in every picture
the ten thousand things contemplating
reality versus perception
truth versus hype
while a thousand mothers
bury their sons and daughters
while listening to “Taps”

I was reading Yeats’ Celtic Twilight the other day and came across a story of Queen Maeve where she offered a mortal his choice saying, “Would you have riches or pleasure?” and he chose pleasure, and so she stayed with him a while and gave him pleasure, but later left him, and he spent the rest of his days unhappy. I can’t for the life of me find that story in that book now (I was looking for it, of course), or I would quote it here. Anyway, the thought occurred to me that I’m not sure I’d choose either thing. They are, after all, both fleeting, temporary things, bound to leave you unhappy at the end when they are gone. On the other hand, riches might be shared with others or used to help others, whereas that kind of pleasure is more solitary and selfish. I think I’d ask Maeve for that which is both and neither.

Of course, being who I am, I know what that means.

I look at old photographs of Yeats and wonder if, in another reality, we might have become friends. Even in his old age, he had a certain kind of attractiveness that I can see in his photos. That whole “Golden Dawn thing” wouldn’t have appealed to me, especially after Crowley signed on. Yeats should have stuck to more scholarly pursuits of the ancient Irish ways as he eventually did without wasting so much time.

Yeats was also into psychotropics, and that might have led to some interesting conversations and poetry. I would have loved to have collaborated with Yeats, although my skills aren’t yet up to his and may never be. I really should be writing more poems and posting them into my “book” online. But the mood doesn’t always strike me when I want it to. Damned muse.

I think I was born in the wrong era, and yet, what I’m doing right now would not have been possible then. The weave of a lifetime, interwoven with all possible opportunities and outcomes, briefly touching the lines of others’ lives, sometimes crossing over or under their weaves based on choices we make. We must never forget that because of the moebius nature of time, our lifetimes touch, even across millenia.

i fear that there will never be a lasting peace
i fear that humankind will never learn from history
i fear that we are going to destroy our environment beyond repair
i fear that my sons might end up fighting in this war
i fear that someone will shut me up

I remember being scared and worried that the horse, an old grey mare, was going to bolt, throw me, slam me up against a tree, anything but behave nicely. I’d already seen misbehaving horses and being a novice, I knew I couldn’t handle it if something were to go drastically wrong. I remember being surprised at just how high up you are while in the saddle, and how wide the horse’s body actually is. I can understand now how someone could get “saddle sore” from riding after a long time of not riding.

Once I got settled and held the reins in my hands, the horse just stood there, stock still. I was a bit bewildered about how to get it to move and then remembered that if I pressured it’s flanks with my heels, it might move. Sure enough, I got her to start walking. We walked around a farm field like that for about five or ten minutes and I began to gain a little confidence in the saddle as she responded to the reins and turned when I wanted her to turn without any complaints or head throwing or anything like that. I patted her neck and she was warm and soft, and we both began to relax a little and enjoy ourselves.

Then I decided to see if I could get her to gallop, so I gave her a soft kick and she started galloping. I eased into her rhythm, using my legs as shock absorbers. The grin on my face must have told the whole story to anyone who was watching. I remember, after the ride was over, the farmer telling me that she hadn’t seen that horse gallop in years, but that we obviously hit it off marvellously.

I loved my first ride.